112 Wedding

“Kapan kawin?” and as much as I hated the question, I long for the day to tell them, “Oh, I actually have wed, we just never wanted to invite you because we meet once a year and I hardly remember what your role in my life was. But thanks for asking.” Don’t you just long for that glorify day will come? Yeah, I could definitely reply them with that.

“Who do you love? Me or the thought of me?”

I guess the world – not only in the culture that I live – sees marriage as a celebration of love and of life, of a beautiful beginning of the happily ever after; or simply the ever after. On weddings we are invincible, we are sensitive and sturdy. We are ready.

The maker of 112 Wedding was a videographer that had the opportunity to “take part in the intimate times of these couples’ most important days.” He saw what other didn’t see, he got access to see the jitters and excitement, the smiles and the cries. He saw the optimism of the what the ‘rest of life’ held when they saw their vows. They saw a couple of human being gathered their courage to face the world and beyond. And ignited with curiosity (rather than cynicism because that was what would have intrigued me), he contacted his past clients, making appointments to meet them to see where they are today –  one, five, or ten years after he documented their weddings.

What the documentary then exposed was real, may that be the bitterness and sweetness that came after the wedding: that love prevails and devastate, that marriage is filled with judgement calls and unpreparedness, that people change and a wedding memory can only do little to help ease these changes, that separation sometimes is the best way to live.

The documentary appalled and relieved me. I’m glad I ignored the 17-years-old me who wished to settle at the age of 25 and set myself to find the person to say the oath with. I am appalled and frustrated that some friends’ eagerness to be married looked only at the idea of being married, but naively ignore what comes after. It’ll definitely answer your the annual question of “why aren’t you married”, but then would come the “so when do you plan to have a baby” and “why do you not have another baby?”. If you want to be married to overcome questions, tough luck.

We might have watched too much fairy tales that we forget that in life, death occurs, betrayal prevails, and love sometime fails – hence our idea of the beginning that comes after a wedding, rarely involves that.

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Sixteen years ago, my aunt married her junior high school sweet heart. They had had struggles that challenged their relationship prior to be married. He’s a Bataknese, she’s a Chinese. Both family hold the purity of each own culture, that conflicts and resistance were unavoidable. Fourteen years of determination and love, held them and the family yield. They were married and soon build a small unit of three boys. They struggle economically, had fought with trusts, and cultural conflicts. Yet, they remained in the marriage they have long wanted, with the person they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with.

Last year, their eldest son died after three years of struggling his illness. His mom, died three months after him; apparently her resilience to keep strong for her son was able to negate her own illness. Death did due them apart. But who would ever be ready for that when one vowed their oath in front of the priest or your father in law whose hand you shook? Who would ever be ready to face separation?

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I am lucky enough to see a wide range of marriage, from a traditional struggle filled with awkward love that my parent has, to the my favourite couples whose relationship showed the perks of making rational judgment while struggling to be irrationally  in love. I am (at present) neither rational nor madly in love. Sure, weddings are nice, and grand, and beautiful and I’m sure when it comes around, it’ll come around, and ready or not there I’ll go.

The idea of being in a committed relationship with one person to spend my whole life with is something I have looked forward to. When one really wants to be married really soon and feels it’s something they are ready for, that’s awesome. Some of my favourite couples wed young and had the maturity needed to work things out. They embrace the bittersweet of family feud, the ickiness of baby poops, the wonders of staying home in drools and pyjamas on weekends. The best couples whose marriage I enjoyed remained fully aware of the persons that they were, while compromising to make things work. They brought to life small individuals and thrives to make the right call for their little ones to be the person they are meant to be. These lucky little ones mould their own personality, supervised with love and awareness.

Weddings are beautiful, but it doesn’t give answers to stability. If else, it’ll intrigued more questions and unresolved frustration. Remember, it’s a commitment to spend the rest of your life with him/ her, so you need to makes sure you’re alright with him. Love cease, he/she’ll piss you off and eventually will die. (I often imagine myself being at the side of the coffin of the who-knows guy that I’d confide in – and see what sorts of boring life that he could offer for me to enjoy.) Intriguingly, it’s a commitment to spend our life with this person, and if he/ she’s that exciting, sonuvagun, we’ll have the rest of our life to explore.