#41. The Unknown

It’s been a busier week. Finally some projects are resuming, so I’ve been working again—from home that is. My energy finds a new low each day. I’m not sure why. Despite not commuting and actually able to steal 20 minutes of nap in between breaks, the intensity of home-work is new. I’ve been feeling slightly overproductive this week, though. That’s probably why. Putting too much in my rundown just because it seems that the hour fits. I forgot to check if my energy and focus span are alright with them.

Overall though, days have been truly just flowing. Some days are better than others. But other days I feel like not caring for and of tomorrow, some days I feel lost, some days I wish I had known more.

But the thing with flowing, is that one never know where it goes. You’d see your vicinity, what’s around and surrounds you, but that’s it. You can see what’s right in front of you, but even then you might just go slightly to the side because a rock is breaking the stream not too far from you. And the thing with being on the stream is that it would be a waste of energy to break the flow, to push where you want to head. I know it sounds nihilistic or whatever, but sometimes it’s beyond your control.

Losing control is an overwhelming feeling. But I’m learning to live in the ‘whelm’: to be alright even though I know I have no control. It’s like oh, the stream bumps me here and there, sometimes I’d find myself in a ripple, sometimes the flow sways. I’ve picked this stream wishing it takes me to a destination I think is where I want to be. To be honest now that I’m in it, I’m not sure if it’s heading exactly there and if that ‘there’ is exactly where I want to be—or should be. There’s just so much unknown. It’s scary but I feel like it’s gonna be okay.